"Cleanses are the f*cking worst. They're socially acceptable starvation disguised as health, and that is the f*cking worst."
Those are the first two lines of a new book, The Taco Cleanse , which I fell in love with immediately. The taco cleanse, which offers "over 75 vegan recipes to detox your dreams and redefine your dinner," is not a "cleanse" in the typical sense. There is no hardcore caloric restriction involved. There is no set meal plan, snacks are allowed (mercifully), and the recommended "supplements" are margaritas. The only rule is that you need to eat at least one taco at every meal. The authors define a taco as something that only has one fold, and can be held in one hand. This means that tortilla "alternatives" like collard greens, lettuce leaves, and waffles are totally allowed.
I really enjoy food, so this "cleanse" sounded right up my alley. Tacos? Margaritas? Carbs? No starvation? No calorie-counting? No junk science? Excellent.
I have never in my life wanted to do a cleanse, but there are two things I have always wanted to try: eating a vegan diet , and committing to an actual breakfast every day. I absolutely hate eating breakfast. Trying to consume food before 11 A.M. typically makes me dry-heave. However, I've always been told that eating breakfast is very good for you (NOTE: It turns out that while there are definite benefits to eating a healthy breakfast , eating when you are not hungry is really not recommended. But I did not find this out until AFTER I was done with the cleanse. More on that below). As for the vegan thing, every single time I'm on Instagram , I come across tons of delicious-looking raw- and vegan creations that make me wonder if I'm cut out for a totally plant-based diet. This cleanse sounded like a wonderful opportunity to set those two challenges for myself. Also, Jennifer Aniston is into it, and if a woman who will be rocking a bikini in her 80s supports this idea then so do I.
There are four suggested cleanse lengths in The Taco Cleanse book. The mild cleanse is one day, the medium is three days, the hot is one week, and the fuego is an entire month. I aimed to do the cleanse for at least three days, and was hopeful that I could make it last a week.
Before starting, I spoke with Stephanie Bogdanich, one of the authors of the cleanse. She and her three co-authors completed the month-long "fuego" version of the taco cleanse, which means that she brought tortillas with her to a sit-down wedding dinner. This level of commitment scared me. But Bogdanich assured me that I could still drink mimosas, which was soothing. The goal of the cleanse? To have fun, enjoy the food, and learn some new recipes along the way. Sorted.
One obstacle I anticipated going in is that my gluten intolerance might make things slightly more difficult. This means that vegan protein options like seitan (aka "gluten meat") and tempeh, often made with added gluten, are out of the picture. And I obviously won't be using flour tortillas. Bogdanich flagged some gluten-free recipes for me, and I was ready to go.
The rules:
- Every meal must involve a taco or taco-based recipe
- Everything I consume during the length of the cleanse must be vegan
- Snacks don't need to be tacos, but they do need to be vegan
- I must eat breakfast every day
These aren't the "official" taco cleanse rules—as it stands, the cleanse does not force breakfast on you or require you to eat only vegan for the duration. Those are just fun challenges I added for myself.
DAY 0: Meal Prep Day
I knew I'd be doing this cleanse during a busy week, so prepping ahead of time was the best way to set myself up for optimal taco cleanse success. I dedicated a full Sunday afternoon to shopping, chopping, and cooking things ahead of time.
At the farmer's market, I made out like a bandit with a tremendous amount of produce for $17.44. But while grocery shopping, I made an unpleasant discovery. Almost every vegan "sausage" available at Whole Foods contains "vital wheat gluten." This is literally the opposite of what I would like to put in my body. It took myself and a very kindly shop assistant a while, but we finally found two "meat alternatives" that were gluten-free as well as vegan. I also made sure to load up on vegan snacks like fruits and veggies, popcorn, and nuts. The Whole Foods bill came out to around $36.
I spent a pretty pleasurable afternoon binge-watching Jessica Jones while whipping up a few basics. I made a cumin-rice blend that I will absolutely be making again, butternut squash with chickpeas, coconut acorn squash, baked sweet potato fries, and a "migas" scramble that is sort of like scrambled eggs but with tofu and vegan cheese. I organized the goods in Pyrex containers in my fridge, and felt very smug and accomplished.
DAY 1
I have a day off work for Martin Luther King Day, which means that I can ease myself into this cleanse and spend an appropriate amount of time telling people about it. Friends are supportive, but my boyfriend is confused about the concept of tacos without dairy cheese. Remember, it’s a vegan taco cleanse.
Breakfast
I forced myself to sit down at the kitchen table and actually eat breakfast. I did not enjoy that. But the tacos were delicious, and the migas scramble is a pretty good substitute for eggs.
Lunch
These acorn squash tacos were A+.
Dinner
Nachos for dinner! I am a real adult!
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